For the weeks,  months and years since my Mother’s death, I have used this blog to express my feelings. This was my one place where I could say what I needed to get past the pain and begin to heal.

I don’t feel that way anymore. That was taken away from me today and I am struggling through the shock and pain. I had said my piece here and had the verbal discussion. Steps were taken beyond that and I thought all was well.

And then today… well let’s just say I was unprepared for the onslaught. I had my place of peace violated and the pain is intense. Because of certain parameters, I am going to choose to not discuss certain things here. Ever. Good or bad. Because to just discuss the good seems false. Fake.

I am floundering right now. I am honestly at a loss to remember the last time I felt any joy. Right now I can tell you that I am barely hanging on. As my facebook status Friday night stated, I am at rock bottom.

Except that it doesn’t seem to end. I think I now know the definition of Hell. It is not fire and brimstone and Satan. Hell is the bottomless pit of despair that has you crying all day and night and wondering just how sad one person can be before they are just done.