Many of you have been aware of my struggles for the better part of the last few months. Some of you see Facebook threads and some of you just hear my silence. I have been lost and yesterday I saw my physician to address issues of my meds apparently not working as well as they could be.

Or as well as I need them to. There has been a lot going on externally I realize and I knew I needed to find a method to be able to handle all of that internally. Which even I realize I haven’t been doing. Not very well, at any rate.

Prior to the appointment yesterday, I used my lunch break to write down almost three pages of “symptoms”, “stressors”, “needs” so that I could be focused during my discussion.

It’s no secret that I have been on prozac since the late 90′s. Well off and on since I haven’t always needed it. Heck I didn’t need it when my Mother, z’l, died. I was completely unmedicated during her illness, death and for roughly the whole year after.

About a year ago, my physician increased my dose to help with pain management and the subsequent inability to concentrate because of the pain. She increased it so much that the pharmacist was reluctant to fill the prescription. But I freely confess, I am not always good about taking it. And that is part of what set January off.. Because I hadn’t been taking it, I was unprepared for the emotional hit that I took. That’s my fault; I certainly don’t blame anyone for my failure to do what I am supposed to.

However, one thing I realized yesterday while writing the notes and talking with my Doc is that a lot of the feelings I am experiencing now… all stem from one issue. An issue that has completely engulfed me in RAGE. Which leads to sadness, exhaustion, feelings of inadequacy, anger, disgust and worse.

And none of these I do a very good job of hiding. Except by crawling into my bed, pulling up the covers and hiding out. I have done an awful lot of that over the last four months. And I don’t want to have to keep doing that.

Yesterday, I was completely able to describe the source of said rage.. not just to my physician but to a third party, too. Was that third party the source of said rage? Hmmm, nope. But I was able to finally dig out the reasons and actually have a discussion about my feelings.

I am sad. I am depressed. I accept and acknowledge that freely.

It does not make me crazy.

It does not make me psycho.

But you can be damned sure I will take my meds– the old ones and the new ones I have been given every day. I will get better and I will find my way to  happiness one day.

My sadness– my mental state period– will never be used against me to absolve someone else of personal responsibility for their actions.  That right there is the basis for all my rage, all my anger, all my hurt, all my feelings of inadequacy for the last 6 months.

I am on the road back. I start my new med addition today. From the discussion with the doctor yesterday, that should also help with the energy and the concentration issues. It will take about two or three weeks to be working fully in conjunction with my other meds but she said I could see some changes in as short a time as four or five days.

The next two weeks will be mine and mine alone. Me and Harley will have the run of the place and he and I are going to focus on good, healthy, happy living. For both girl and doggy. He’s going to the doggy spa for a bath and a mani/pedi. And I am recreating my bedroom into a spa like retreat.

By the time John comes back with his daughter, my meds will be fully kicked in and hopefully they provide me the tools I need to be at my best.

We were at the newest of the Carmike theaters here in Columbus and let’s just say it was a nice difference from where we go to the movies on our Thursday night movie night… the oldest theater in town.

It was also my first 3-D movie. To me it made the movie too dark but I liked the effect that’s for sure. I won’t go into the movie since I don’t want to spoil it for everyone else but I loved it.

But then I loved Iron Man and Iron Man 2, Captain America and Thor. This was by far the best Incredible Hulk ever — mainly due in LARGE part to the actor portraying him and his alter ego, Dr Banner, Mark Ruffalo.. my favorite actor.

But really how can a movie with Robert Downey, Jr., Mark Ruffalo, Chris Hemsworth and Samuel L Jackson be anything other than GREAT?

One of us even had time to run to the store for the appropriate attire. Hmmm, I wonder who that could be?

But we got a couple of freebies– a movie poster and bag that will do great as a shopping bag. The best freebie of course, seeing the movie before everyone else and doing it for free.

An excellent movie that will get added to our SuperHero collection when it is released on DVD.. that much I can tell you.

ETH & KU

Content from Easter 2012

I have a lot to update you all on, but it looks like we will be going backwards. Since I am starting at yesterday. I attended what I can only recall as my FIRST ever Easter service.

It was out at Blanton Creek Park up on Lake Harding (about 30 miles from Columbus). Apparently that is their tradition and honestly, it seems like a great one. John and I packed our Coleman camping chairs and our green bean casserole and picked up Steve and Tina and her brother Sammy.

After the singing and the worship service, Tommie (the Pastor) baptized about eight or nine people in the cold lake. Then came the food. Some of the guys from the church had set their big grills up so they could watch and participate in the singing and service but were cooking the whole time. Boy were they cooking! Everyone else brought a side or dessert and we ate well.  I had a perfectly grilled chicken breast and some pasta salad, mashed potatoes and a roll. Just small “scout bites” (thanks Debbie!) of the pasta and potatoes and I bypassed the dessert table altogether.

Go ME!! I opted instead for a small serving of fruit and had honeydew, cantaloupe, strawberries (ok one strawberry) and pineapple. I felt great about my choices and logged every bite I had yesterday into My Fitness Pal. I started there Tuesday and that will be a whole other post. Suffice it to say, the mobile app is on my phone and the site is saved on the home and work computers. I log everything!

But Easter services finished up with an Easter Egg hunt. I didn’t participate but I had fun watching the little babies “hunt” for the eggs lying on the volleyball court. They had a blast picking eggs up from the sand. All in all, it was a great day in a beautiful place. There was lots of shade and a wonderful breeze. And new church friends… Almost perfect!

I am finding it incredibly more difficult than I imagined just getting through a day. I set these goals and then find it almost impossible to reach them. So I guess I need to re-evaluate and re-vamp the goals as I try and climb back to reality.

Mental and physical exhaustion take a heavy toll on one’s body and mind and I am struggling.

And not doing a very good job of it. I have discovered that for work purposes setting a list of 3 priorities for the week is working right now. I still have many things on a to-do list but having 3 major goals that get the majority of my focus is a good start.

Giving myself a list of 10 things to do a day at home is just not in the cards right now. So my new planner lists 7 per week. That is one household chore a day– not including putting the dishes away. That doesn’t overwhelm me.

I have a list of 5 or 6 blog tasks and 5 or 6 personal things (like the gym, finding a photography class and finding a yoga class)  In addition, I also put things that come up that need to be on the radar for the following week and the bills that are due the current week. Right now it looks like the picture below but I am waiting on my new planner and I will fix it up to fit it when it comes.

I just know that i need to keep things more simple as i try and take care of my mental and physical well being. Since I took that picture this morning, I have marked off two of the work items and two of the personal items.

I just started this new system this week and so far it is helping me to streamline and not get overwhelmed. Two of the posts that are listed on the Dragonflygarden to do list will be combined into one and this one will get added as soon as I hit submit. My to do list apparently is ever evolving.

I spent a lot of time this weekend thinking about how I feel when hearing how “hot and sexy” someone else is to the one person I set so many dreams on.

I am not sure why the knowledge that he seeks someone else and why he thinks I am not good enough is important. I simply have to stop putting value on those comments and stop measuring my worth based on his opinions.

Just because someone else thinks I am not good enough doesn’t mean that has to be true.

We all make mistakes. The goal is to learn from them. I have two choices , it appears to me:
1. Accept that my soul mate is out there and keep looking.
2. Accept that there is no soul mate and give up looking.

One thing I refuse to accept, however, is that one can have a soul mate without romance, fidelity or passion.

That’s not LOVE. It may be love, but it isn’t LOVE and I deserve both.

Yes, I think one can marry someone that is not a soul mate. However, I do not think a person who is not willing to share passion, romance and fidelity can be a soul mate.

ed. note: the picture above was actually spray painted on an apartment wall by a friend… I had to take a picture!

I drove over to this neighborhood I absolutely love. Big beautiful houses and a lake. I sat on the bench beside the lake and read my book. I snapped close to 5 dozen pictures as well and just sort of let the stillness of the surroundings infuse me. I read some in my book, drank my diet coke and thought about how pretty it was with the water and the flowers and the bridge and gazebo.

A truly beautiful morning- so much so that I don’t mind at all that I am working about 4 hours today… It is important work and my soul is at peace.

ETH & KU

Content from Friday Morning Drive

ETH & KU

Content from Columbus Cottage 4 Key Ceremony

Ed note: Obviously I need to go in and fix this so that you just see the Cottage Key Ceremony pics… I will do that this weekend!

Back in November, 2011, I posted a video about the demolition of Columbus Cottage 4. Today we held the key ceremony and gave Mr. Walker the keys to his brand new home. I wasn’t sure when Joshua told me what color Mr. Walker had picked for the outside if I would like it. I love it! It’s a dark blue that is instantly calming.

But as much as I love the exterior color, I love the bathroom even more. It has a walk in shower and is gorgeous. The kitchen comes complete with dishwasher (boy am I jealous).

We left the pecan tree in the back yard and it certainly is a focal point. I tried to get artistic with my photo of the tree since it was a gorgeous sunny day.

More pictures will be up soon– as soon as I can figure out the new gallery plug in I added….

I have been with NeighborWorks Columbus for almost 10 years (August 1 is the day!) and I am never more proud of the company for than I am at Key Ceremony days!

The exception to my “my pics only” rule… Wish I was Here Wednesday photos. I think that if I could live anywhere, it would be New York City.

I would have a summer home on the beach in the Hamptons and an apartment in Paris.

Can you tell I have given this some thought?!

In my efforts to use only my own pictures on the blog since I transferred over, you all had a couple of options: I could have taken a picture of the thermometer; or we could go with the metaphor.

I chose the metaphor. Yes, I am burning up. In what seems like a never ending deal, I had been sick and then gotten mostly better. Last weekend mostly better bit the dust and got thrown into the fire. My temp was running over 102 most of the weekend. And for me that’s even more than most. I, like my sainted Mama, had a normal temp of 96.9. I got her eyes and her basal body temp apparently. I alternated Saturday and Sunday between freezing to death and burning up. Monday morning I hit 102.7 and went to the Doctor.

Double ear infection and a “raging” sinus infection he said. He said my ear drums were almost to the point of bursting. Lovely. So I have meds and still a fever and still the horrible cough that keeps me up at night. Thankfully the ibuprofen for fever is helping somewhat. That seems to be what does me in strength wise. It saps me of all my energy and strength.

I am tired of being sick. I would like a weekend where I felt good emotionally and physically. Where I could get out and do SOMETHING.

I had to miss my first scheduled day at the gym yesterday. I texted my trainer from the clinic while waiting for test results. I told her my temp was 102.7 and that I had a sinus infection and a double ear infection but could I still go to the gym. She said no. I wanted to try and go today to keep my three a week in for the first month. But with this fever I can barely make it across the office. The Dr said I should start feeling better by Wednesday so I am going to take today to keep dosing up with the meds and try and shake this cough… that’s horrible in a gym. And I will go Wednesday and then see Shelly (the trainer) Friday and I will add Saturday to make my third day.

I am trying to focus on nutrition and both KH and Shelly tell me I am not eating enough. I went ahead and got the smallest training package that would give me access to the nutritional database. That way both John and I get to benefit from it. And I figure if I have invested money into it then I will be more inclined to stick with the plan. KH says that I can make my goals- I just have to be willing to work toward them and devote energy and resources to them. My goal for right now seems daunting so I am breaking it up into manageable goals… 5% at a time.

I logged my foods yesterday and was very short of the goal-and while I know it is because I am sick.. I have got to do better. John and I sat down Sunday and made out a menu plan for the week. I got stuff for snacks because Shelly and KH want me eating every 4-6 hours. Good lordy, do they not know I can go all day without eating?

But KH goes to my church and that was oh so not fun when he told me to get on the scale. I said uhmm do I have to? He said I didnt hear me ask if you wanted to?
We had a really good talk and I felt like I could actually reach this dream by the time I am 50. He said anywhere from 15-30 months. But he said, they can’t do it for me. I have to put me first.

So here I go….